Day 129: Chemo Begins

Oh the feelings swirling around in my heart right now.  The latest chimerism results have been bringing up some painful reminders of the reality of high risk leukemia and the odds we are up against, as well as clouds of uncertainty about the future. On our drive here to the clinic, we had one of those difficult but necessary conversations about preparing for the worst.  Living with cancer has ebbs and flows of emotions. Some days it is very real and screaming in your face, other days it's tucked away neatly in the closet and almost forgotten about. Tests and treatments are common triggers to bring the monster out of the closet.

Pardon my language, but chemotherapy really sucks.  Thankfully it is just an injection this time and not hours hooked up to an IV line. The moment that syringe inserted it's contents into Ian's belly, he could feel it hit.  This is a mild dose, but it still has that familiar, loathsome feel of chemotherapy.  It's purpose is to tag all of Ian's blood cells for destruction by his brother's. Please pray its mission is accomplished comprehensively, smoothly and successfully. 

The bright side of these 5 days of chemo is that Ian and I will get a good chunk of time alone together.  Since he has come home, the days have been incredibly full and fast moving.  Sleep is a rare and precious commodity for this busy mama, but somehow the only time alone we can get happens late at night when we should sleeping.  So we are really looking forward to getting some extended daytime together without the kids to catch up. 

You may be wondering how everything came together for childcare during these next 5 days. Let me just say here and now that my parents are amazing.  My dad called a couple days ago to share that his chemo isn't scheduled until after the 21st and they would be more than happy for my mom to fly back to help us during Ian's treatment.  She arrived at 1am this morning, just in time to get some rest before watching the kids for clinic and chemo today. What a massive relief and blessing. It felt like Christmas having her here this morning, we were so excited to have Nana back!

Although there have been some heavier clouds passing overhead lately, overall these past few weeks together as a family have been a profoundly precious time.  Almost dreamy. Having Ian home and being under quarantine has meant that we spend virtually all day every day at home together. No busy schedules to manage, no rushing from here to there, no getting kids in and out of carseats. Lots of meals together around the table.  Although the days seem to pass so quickly, they also feel slow and sweet. I don't know how these two realities exist simultaneously, but they do. 

And I am loving every moment of it.  I love that Ian is experiencing Fiona's development explosion as she says more and more words every day. I love that I can always tell Ian has entered the room by Fiona's huge smile and sparkly eyes in his direction. I love that she has to immediately show off to Ian any new outfit or accessory that makes her feel pretty. I love to see Asha swinging in the hammock with Ian. I love that they sing spontaneous songs together and do drawing lessons and science experiments and watch history detective shows together. I even love going to the clinic visits all together as a family. These are sweet times. A little bittersweet, but still so very precious...