Memorial Date

We finally have a date and location!

The memorial celebration will be at Roaring Camp in Felton on Saturday, June 11th. This is the same place where our wedding reception was held 11 years ago. More details to follow, but I wanted to get the date out there ASAP for those who will be coming from out of town. 

We are still doing miraculously well. We have had at least one worship gathering every day since my last post! It's been so beautiful and grounding. I've needed it every time. We've had everything from hippie style drum circles to hymns on the piano, and lots of treasured play time for the girls. My favorite moment was when Asha and her friend Katie joined in for their favorite song, "Trust in You" by Loren Daigle. They sang at the top of their lungs "When you don't move the mountains I'm needing you to move, when you don't part the waters I wish I could walk through, when you don't give the answers as I cry out to you, I will trust, I will trust, I will trust in you." So precious and powerful. 

Now I feel like it is time to settle in together and find new rhythms again. It's been so long since we've even had the opportunity to carry a family rhythm. Morning circle times begin Monday along with a new school unit for May. I feel excited for this, which feels like a huge miracle in itself considering it felt like a dreaded burden up until a few days ago.  

We buried Ian's body this morning at Santa Cruz Memorial. I felt that we needed to keep it simple and intimate, just the girls and me. If anyone else joined, it would have distracted from the main event as my girls are such passionately social little creatures. I felt like it was deeply important for them to be fully present for it, as much as possible. 

It was painful but provided the beginning of a sense of closure. It's hard to even type that word, closure. It doesn't feel right, because we will always carry him in our hearts - every single day of our lives. The book of Ian and how he has impacted our lives will never be closed, but there is also the need to face the very painful reality that he is gone physically from us on this earth.  Watching his burial was helpful for facing this very hard truth.

I wept all morning and wailed over the casket as they lowered Ian's body into the ground. The girls didn't cry, but they held me and comforted me and watched intently as the process unfolded. It was a bright, sunny day. We sat on a blanket and had a little picnic of kombucha and some of Ian's favorite foods while they shoveled the soil to fill in his grave. It felt like a perfect moment, in a very tragically beautiful sort of way. 

Later, this was how Fiona described it to my mom, "He was buried in a BIG box, because he was the BIGGEST person in the whole world!" I love this little window into her view of him. She has been pulling up her favorite memories with Ian lately, at random times. It seems so sweet and healthy. Tonight on the drive home, her memory was of sitting on his lap as they barreled down a slide into a pool in Thailand. 

I feel like we are all doing really well, by God's grace. Thank you so much for your steady flow of love and prayers ❤️

Memorial

Many have asked about plans for a service. We will be having a big, open invite memorial celebration of Ian's life in the Santa Cruz area sometime in the next few weeks. Ian told me to take my time in planning it, so I'm thinking it will be around early to mid May. Once I have a date and location set, I will post it here on the blog ASAP. 

The girls and I are being carried through waves of grief as we process our great loss and Ian's glorious gain. Fiona and I wept together Tuesday afternoon as she realized she will never see her Abba or Grandpa again this side of heaven. She asked if Ian still had skin, and if we could cover him in poppy flowers so he would be soft. Asha has been less connected emotionally, but she had a dream of Ian Tuesday morning and woke up with tears. Most of the time they have just been their joyful, dancing, cantankerous little selves. We looked at cemetery plots yesterday and will finalize his casket and grave site together today.  I envision many picnics there with the girls, sharing memories of Ian.  I pray that bringing the girls into the process will help them face this loss as much as possible now, rather than it coming out sideways later.  They have both had a long season of preparation and processing leading up to this point, but I'm sure it will take years for the reality of losing their dad to sink in. 

I'm experiencing so much grace right now, soaking in worship and the very Presence of God throughout every single day. Sometimes the Lord leads me into sobbing tears, pouring out deeper and deeper layers of sadness and disappointment.  Other times, I'm led into such a blissful awareness of his Love that I feel like I could explode into a million joyful pieces. I feel like I need both, it's a healthy tension. It keeps me real but doesn't leave me in despair.  I don't want to rebuild my life, I want Him to rebuild it step by step, stone by stone. I know without a shadow of a doubt that God is good, even in this tragedy, and that something beautiful will come of this. If Ian's faithful trust in the Lord amidst such suffering and death is a seed, I am confident there will be much fruit born from it whether I see it or not. Like Narnia, it's somehow part of the deepest and purest power of the Kingdom of Heaven. I feel it in my bones. 

We've met nightly at different friends' homes to worship together and this has been a taste of heaven, exactly what we need.  I've asked for simple, real, raw worship in homes instead of meals, because we need Divine fellowship and connection way more than food right now. If anyone in the Bay Area is up for organizing a little worship gathering this next week, please contact me. 

Thank you all for your love and prayers.
We are feeling them ❤️

Home

Ian went Home peacefully this morning, surrounded by friends singing in worship. The suffering is over for him, finally and forever. He's smiling brighter than ever now. But we will sure miss him.  

Update

I've really struggled with updating due to the heavy nature of Ian's current state, but I finally decided to lay it out on the table for continued prayer. The fungal infection is growing daily and literally covering Ian's skin with thousands of painful lesions, head to toe. Older ones from a week or so ago have darkened and are slowly decomposing into open wounds. He can hardly use his hands because they are covered with so many painful sores. He cannot survive much longer in this condition with no immune system, though his vitals are still stable. He is on continuous, increasingly heavy pain management. 

It sounds like a nightmare, and it truly is. But somehow, I've learned really well, when nightmares come to life there is so much more abounding grace to walk through them. I don't know how to explain it, but it's like a massive trampoline where you barely jump and are lifted higher in the air than you ever knew was possible. His love is so palpable, along with the pain. 

Please pray for extra comfort for our girls as their little hearts continue to process all this and I'm mostly with Ian these days. They visited yesterday and it was intensely painful for Fiona to leave. She wanted to stay the night with us at the hospital, but it's just too hard to juggle the girls and Ian here for very long while he's in such an intense stage of disease. Please pray wisdom for me as I seek the right balance here. 

We continue to pray and plead for Ian's life. If you have a gift of healing and feel called to pray, over the phone or in person, please contact us. As long as there's breath, there's hope. And we always have the deeper and unshakable hope of direct union and communion with our Creator, together forever in new and better bodies that won't ever decompose. If the Lord takes Ian, He's taking him straight into His arms of perfect love. So there's always hope, no matter what. 

Thank you for all your continued love and prayers ❤️

Emergency Prayer

Ian's doctor just called me with heavy news. There is a fungal infection that has invaded Ian's body and blood and the doctor says it is very likely to be fatal. His body is covered in sores and he has had to amp up his pain management. They started their strongest anti-fungal a few days ago but the infection continues to grow very, very quickly every day. He could have as little as 24 hours. 

The girls and I have been in Southern California this week, taking a little time away since we've been quarantined from Ian. I'm feverishly packing up to drive back home today and be with Ian ASAP. 

Please, please pray this infection is banished quickly and Ian is restored. We are still waiting for that big miracle. Ian said today with such deep assurance, "to live is Christ, to die is gain." We are at peace no matter what, but it just doesn't feel like the end, it really doesn't. 

Thank you for your prayers.