I'm sitting at the International Arrivals lobby of SFO, awaiting our final caregiver flying in from Asia. I will share more about this in an upcoming post, but for now I will just say that a dear friend has crossed the sea to support Ian and our family in this third leg of our journey. We feel deeply blessed.
Aunt Holly left Thursday morning, and I have been holding down the fort since then. Poor Ian! I've been a walking storm of emotions this past week, no exaggeration. I'm not really sure why. There was a definite stress escalation as we waited for the results of Ian's biopsy along with some pending thyroid tests for me. We had a misunderstanding of my thyroid cancer marker results just hours after getting the positive report from Ian, which was a terrifying prospect to imagine. I was in shock, heartbroken, unable to fathom the effect this would have on Asha especially. Thankfully, a few hours later we discovered that the secretary had misread the results and I'm still in remission. Whew! Those few hours of grief took a toll on my equilibrium, however.
Perhaps another clue to my emotional weather pattern is now that the outer storm has calmed down a bit it has given space for my inner storms to surface. I'm not sure why, but I do know I've been battling a lot of ugly thoughts and feelings and sometimes words. Empathy and compassion have been in short supply, while anger and frustration have arisen all too quickly. I want Ian well, and I want him well NOW! I want him to exercise regularly and be strong for us again. I want him to be able to eat and take his medications without the need for constant assistance and reminders. I at least want to see some progress, but honestly I haven't. And it makes me mad. I don't want to blame him, but I find myself doing just this. It's wretched but true.
So this is my confession. I need patience. I need compassion. I need Divine intervention. I need deeper foundation. I am weak and tired. Please pray for the Lord to be my strength, my anchor of hope, the rock I stand on. Please pray that He will speak peace to these inner storms.
Thank you!
Aunt Holly left Thursday morning, and I have been holding down the fort since then. Poor Ian! I've been a walking storm of emotions this past week, no exaggeration. I'm not really sure why. There was a definite stress escalation as we waited for the results of Ian's biopsy along with some pending thyroid tests for me. We had a misunderstanding of my thyroid cancer marker results just hours after getting the positive report from Ian, which was a terrifying prospect to imagine. I was in shock, heartbroken, unable to fathom the effect this would have on Asha especially. Thankfully, a few hours later we discovered that the secretary had misread the results and I'm still in remission. Whew! Those few hours of grief took a toll on my equilibrium, however.
Perhaps another clue to my emotional weather pattern is now that the outer storm has calmed down a bit it has given space for my inner storms to surface. I'm not sure why, but I do know I've been battling a lot of ugly thoughts and feelings and sometimes words. Empathy and compassion have been in short supply, while anger and frustration have arisen all too quickly. I want Ian well, and I want him well NOW! I want him to exercise regularly and be strong for us again. I want him to be able to eat and take his medications without the need for constant assistance and reminders. I at least want to see some progress, but honestly I haven't. And it makes me mad. I don't want to blame him, but I find myself doing just this. It's wretched but true.
So this is my confession. I need patience. I need compassion. I need Divine intervention. I need deeper foundation. I am weak and tired. Please pray for the Lord to be my strength, my anchor of hope, the rock I stand on. Please pray that He will speak peace to these inner storms.
Thank you!
I'll be praying for you Christy! Thanks for keeping it real. Love you!
ReplyDeleteO Christy!!
ReplyDeleteWhat a hard road you have been walking!
It's okay to feel the way you do. All your feelings are so valid and real and part of the whole journey.
I am so proud of you for getting this out there and airing all the not so pretty thoughts. There's a huge victory right there!
No human can be perfect and helpful and positive every day, every week, every month.... you are so allowed grace to be wretched and ugly and selfish and real.
Shake it off, sister. Your heart is as dark and sinful as mine, but you have God and family surrounding you and grace will cover it all. We are all praying and holding you up. Because we don't expect you to soar every day. Just one foot in front of the other.
You are loved. You are supported. You are awesome. You are a hero. Because in your weakness He is strong. And we are all right here with you. O, be encouraged. This too shall pass.
Much Love,
Linda
Amen to everything LindaFaye said! Just what I had in mind. And to underline, in your WEAKNESS He will be strong. Sometimes what He does in our lives despite us really looks more like Him and not like us trying hard. There is no shortage of Goodness and Beauty in Him, so now when you are having a fraying-around-the-edges time He can absolutely cover you. So glad the new caretaker friend has arrived so you can hopefully sit back and take a breather.
ReplyDeleteWith love, Shanti & crew
That sounds so very human. Now that the you're not just barely hanging on minute to minute all of the emotions have a chance to surface. I am so grateful for your honesty. We all experience emotions in this way but few of us admit it.
ReplyDeleteWhen I was working through "irrational" anger, a friend told me to get a punch bag or something and actually tell it all of the resentful and unjustified things I was thinking, that I was so embarrassed to even admit to myself. I felt like a complete idiot but I tried it, and I have to admit that it made a really big difference.
We love you just the way you are, with all of our common oh-so-human struggles, Christy!
Hey Christy,
ReplyDeleteI know this sounds weird but I have been in a deep inner storm in my own life. I cannot relate to the same circumstances but I can relate to the emotions and deep anguish at times. Trials can squeeze us like a sponge spewing out the ugliness in our hearts. My only comfort has been to stop trying to control. To stop trying to be the problem solver. To stop being sooooo anxious, so angry, so full of bitterness cause I never get what I want that way. REST. That can only happen when we stop striving for our will over God's. I have said more language in these past few months then I have in my whole life. I have been depressed and in tears.... but my one hope has been in HIS grace, that his mercies are new every morning. Confess the sin quickly, be ok with the setbacks because Christ died for that before you even knew what sin was. You are his beautiful bride, dressed in white. I am too! When God see's us He sees His Son. I will be praying for you because emotions can be sooooo hard and controlling. Just start with one step at a time in trying to do the right thing. Don't forget to take care of yourself. My guess is you have been exhausted in taking care of everyone else and you get neglected. God will receive you with open arms and a BIG OLD smile because you are beautiful to Him! If you want to drop off the girls, I would be more than willing to watch them while you get a chance alone at the beach or whatever you want. Just let me know. My heart breaks with you. Love,
Kristine Mittmann