It's Like the Whole World is Crying With Us

The past few days have been filled with intense grief. Ian's latest biopsy showed what we have both been quietly suspecting - the leukemia continues to rage. Ian never got his energy back after the last treatment and he has been having increased night sweats and other leukemic symptoms. Once the disease becomes resistant to one form of chemo, there is less chance for any other kind of chemo to work.

We were given the choice yesterday whether or not to continue treatment. We've decided to go one more round. Ian checked back into UCSF and began a new regimen of chemo last night. If this puts him into remission, then a transplant is still possible. Otherwise, apart from a miracle, he will be left to survive on blood transfusions until he is no longer able to survive.

Ian wept and prayed over each of our girls yesterday morning as he said goodbye, knowing he will be in the hospital another month and may not have much longer to live. As we stepped outside into the gray, rainy morning with heavy hearts and tears still wet on our cheeks, Asha said sadly, "It's like the whole world is crying with us." Fiona asked if it rains when God cries.  It felt like the whole world was dripping with tears, mourning for us and all that we were going through. Somehow it was comforting. 

Please pray for us. We are still choosing to take it moment by moment, knowing this bad news does not change the fact that we are in God's good hands. We feel deep peace in this storm. We feel parts of our hearts healing in the midst of our breaking. We feel divine grace carrying us, as we have throughout this journey. We know without a doubt that if this fire continues to grow hotter, then we will be given bountiful grace to walk through it.  One day, one moment, one prayer of surrender, one tear, one deep breath at a time.