Memorial

Many have asked about plans for a service. We will be having a big, open invite memorial celebration of Ian's life in the Santa Cruz area sometime in the next few weeks. Ian told me to take my time in planning it, so I'm thinking it will be around early to mid May. Once I have a date and location set, I will post it here on the blog ASAP. 

The girls and I are being carried through waves of grief as we process our great loss and Ian's glorious gain. Fiona and I wept together Tuesday afternoon as she realized she will never see her Abba or Grandpa again this side of heaven. She asked if Ian still had skin, and if we could cover him in poppy flowers so he would be soft. Asha has been less connected emotionally, but she had a dream of Ian Tuesday morning and woke up with tears. Most of the time they have just been their joyful, dancing, cantankerous little selves. We looked at cemetery plots yesterday and will finalize his casket and grave site together today.  I envision many picnics there with the girls, sharing memories of Ian.  I pray that bringing the girls into the process will help them face this loss as much as possible now, rather than it coming out sideways later.  They have both had a long season of preparation and processing leading up to this point, but I'm sure it will take years for the reality of losing their dad to sink in. 

I'm experiencing so much grace right now, soaking in worship and the very Presence of God throughout every single day. Sometimes the Lord leads me into sobbing tears, pouring out deeper and deeper layers of sadness and disappointment.  Other times, I'm led into such a blissful awareness of his Love that I feel like I could explode into a million joyful pieces. I feel like I need both, it's a healthy tension. It keeps me real but doesn't leave me in despair.  I don't want to rebuild my life, I want Him to rebuild it step by step, stone by stone. I know without a shadow of a doubt that God is good, even in this tragedy, and that something beautiful will come of this. If Ian's faithful trust in the Lord amidst such suffering and death is a seed, I am confident there will be much fruit born from it whether I see it or not. Like Narnia, it's somehow part of the deepest and purest power of the Kingdom of Heaven. I feel it in my bones. 

We've met nightly at different friends' homes to worship together and this has been a taste of heaven, exactly what we need.  I've asked for simple, real, raw worship in homes instead of meals, because we need Divine fellowship and connection way more than food right now. If anyone in the Bay Area is up for organizing a little worship gathering this next week, please contact me. 

Thank you all for your love and prayers.
We are feeling them ❤️